read.me.bitch

Insatiable

2007-12-19T18:05:00.000-05:00

I am tired....
I feel like I am running again,
Im scared to stay....
I long for a freedom that I truly do not want.
I yearn for a touch to reach my soul,
for sex to be more than fulfilling,
and a drug that wont let me come down.
I want more than life can offer.
I want everything
and I want to do nothing more than show up
and receive it.
I have a sickness
it eats away at me
causing me to be unhappy
no matter the circumstances.
I am insatiable.

disappearing acts

2007-05-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

Im leaving the forefront of life....

Im stepping back from everything and everyone

Im going to make one last trip and then Im going to erase them outta my life

Im going to start over, its going to be fresh.

Im so done...

Im struggling my old demons again-I cant win.

I <3 South Park

2007-05-17T18:20:00.000-05:00

So Im watching Season 11 online--Im soooo lovin it right now! Even tho the epi Im watching is Night of the Living Homeless, its pretty funny its a parody of Night of the Living Dead.

My grandmother has been calling like clockwork to get information...she's already spreading rumors about a bunch of mess and I just dont have time to deal with it. She's always spreading shit like the plague and then wonders why no one wants to pick up the phone.

::sigh:: I've just finished watching all of South park season 10 and the first half of season 11...now I have nothing to do...nothing to look forward to....cept, maybe, family guy! Oh yeah.

I sometimes feel like Al Gore where Im the only one who sees Manbearpig....my own reality...is it real? Does it matter that no one else sees it but me? How right or wrong could it be? Sometimes I wonder if I have let happiness slip thro my fingers because I refuse to believe certain things? I sometimes wonder, if Im even on the right track. I still have so much to do in life and I sometimes feel too tired to even care anymore....

searching

2007-05-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

So now I've managed to get myself into something that I dont really feel like dealing with....im tired and Im moving on....i need to clean out my phone.

Im starting to make moves that will help me get my shit together for good....I need to be on my own-I need to be away from it all....I need my own identity.....

I think I just made a huge withdrawl from the first bank of favors but hopefully there's enough in my account to cover the cost.....pray for me.

2007-04-27T12:10:00.000-05:00

I like him...but i think only time will tell if he is even worth the drama...i wont give in because even if it is excellent, I am too tired to play the game and SHE is mad at me for putting her away anyhow, now that she's vexed she's letting me feel thro this on my own, hopefully she'll come back in time before i get myself killed. She please come back to me....

crappy

2007-04-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

I am tired....so tired of life, bullshit, dysfunction, the works. I just dont know why I cant find rest, even for a lil bit....yes i want to be slothful if i cant be in a place of constant beauty cuz at least where there's beauty there is the desire to see more of it and thus the desire to fight...I have no beauty to fight for.....

I have a feeling my dad is gonna screw my ass over again--but hopefully if i stay on my grind I'll get my car and disappear for life. I want to start my shit over and fresh and unnattached. Im gonna have to let go of some guys but Im prepared to do what needs to be done, especially since Im alone anyway.

mi vida así lejos

2007-04-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

I totally forgot about my stats test thats due like 40 minutes ago...oh well, i skipped the class and decided to start and finish it tonight [yes the test completely slipped my mind] Im so tired of school, I cant wait for this semester to be over. It just seems like when I overcome one obstacle another bigger one comes along...I hate it, I just want smooth sailing at least for a lil while.
Im really not looking forward to dealing with my dad all summer but at least I'll have my stepmom to hang out with cuz I know my dad aint gon even be tryna let me go clubbing, he forgets that Im 22 and I take care of my own shit....which reminds me I have to start looking at apts for August......gotta run for now

Well I looked for apts and storage units but instead of doing my stats test last night I went to the movies with Larry to see the Reaping. Im already suckin ass this semester due to my lack of transportation and stress in other areas but its whatev-Im so fed up with school at this point i just dont care anymore, I think I am however, gonna muster up whatever drive i have left and just do this final push thro the semseter.

I missed bioethics again today, so i guess I have officially failed the class, maybe i should have a meeting with my professor and see what else can be done...but knowing my luck I've just failed and there is nothing that I can do about it. I hope I can find a ride home today since my usual ride cant take me home.....sheesh life sucks sometimes.

I get so tired of life sometimes I just wanna quit and take a looooooong vacation. Personally, Im tired of responsibility I wanna move far away from here and just disappear and completely forget everything here. I just want peace.

2007-04-12T10:56:00.001-05:00

I dont know whats going on, but something is wrong with my granddad. He called me today telling me that he was no longer getting together with his cousins and naturally my nosy ass was wondering why, he said it was him, so i probed some more and the way he was talking trying to avoid what was going on, he said he would tell me 'one day' -i dont like 'one days' they make me nervous. I asked him if he was okay and he just said that he would talk to me later. I dont like any of this, I think Im gonna go over there after work anyway just to make sure he's okay, cuz I dont like shiftiness-it makes me uneasy.

The funeral was yesterday, it was nice but really, really sad. Everyone was trying to be strong but the tears kept coming down. I really had a hard time dealing...sitting around the people I love and they're all in pain, it just hurts.

I really need something to hold onto right now, I need to feel something. But I think ferberizing myself may make me stronger so I guess its time to push everyone away instead.

Im gonna change my lifestyle, to what, i dont know yet but Im going to become a different person.

south.park.trivia.time

2007-04-12T10:56:00.000-05:00

south.park.trivia.time

Im so tired

2007-04-09T15:17:00.000-05:00

I gotta fortune today saying "You lead a useful life no matter what riches are coming to you" it almost sucks cuz i just wanna do my own thing and not be useful to anyone but myself...lol Im so selfish I know but I've always been about me.

Im definitely letting go of ppl....especially guys that areant worth my time. CV made sense in a text that she sent me about how DH carried me the last time I went to visit...i hadnt thought of it that way-but by golly she was right and I figured I might as well ~~cut~~ them off. I wont be mean or anything just not necessarily friendly either. Im tired of this damn game...I get niggas round the way hooked and now Im stretching my reach to other states...makin my way to countries....I cant keep doing this...I know Karma is supposed to right the wrongs of our bleeding hearts but I just cant keep doing it...its more stressful with marriage proposals to death threats...I cant keep it together...I want stability. But I dont want love. I want understanding...affection...desire....lust...fun...everything but love. But Im scared that someone will get me and make me fall...even tho right now I dont have anyone that close to me thats that cool that could even make me fall....the last person I really truly felt for was DS even tho DH was fun-it was simply outta ^necesity at that moment but I chose to feel for DS until I realized that I was setting myself up and bailed. Sooooo now Im keeping everyone at a safe distance. I like TJ I think we could possibly have that understanding...who knows, I'll prolly end up--lets hope Im that fortunate.

But DS thinks Im wrong to want to move away...he says Im crazy....I say he's like everyone else...Judging from the outside looking in and not feeling and seeing whats around and really going on.

This summer is gonna be awesome! Im staying at my dad and stepmom's!! My stepmom doesnt think I really want to, little does she know Im tempted to unplug my phone and roll on down there and just disappear from everyone up here! It'll be fun, Im such a recluse. It'll almost be like starting over, meeting new ppl and a whole new enviroment! I love uprooting myself into new shit....I think I just love new shit...which is prolly why I'll be single forever cuz I need to keep it moving.

I love smoking and drinking so much its sad. Im actually tempted to go onto to other things but Im just gonna stay where Im at and just do more of it. lol

This is whats gonna replace myspace blogging from now on...I'll still post here and there at other spots but Im debating on here and dj to blog from now out....gotta make some changes in my life so therefore I can continue to exist in sanity!

life

2007-04-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday my uncle passed. It was a sad time in the family, but he died with everyone by his side so thats a good thing.

Im in Va now, chillen with my homeboy. We didnt get in til about 4 am....I think Im still tired...I might just crash again for an hour or so and then wake up and shower and get dressed....I plan on havin hella fun and getting trashed and high...Im oh so ready for it.

I have a lot of decisions to make in my life, especially where guys are concerned. Im not really dealing with anyone on a serious level...or any level other than smoking and chillen...but I have a feeling that things are gonna change--but im not leaning to anyone in particular, im just chillen havin fun

gotta live life for me

[staying.power]

2007-03-27T10:30:00.000-05:00

So I got an email from my bioethics teacher saying Im in danger of failing, not because of my grades but because I have missed too many days of class (due to lack of transportation) now I never came to him about it (or any of my teachers for that matter) simply because they cant do shit about it so it really doesnt matter to me....Im on the verge of dropping outta school all together anyway so Im really beyond caring right now....I'll officially decide depending on how my summer goes and where I end up living, I only have one more month left of living in my apt and then Im gonna be homeless....I dont really know where to go so we'll see....I may just end up failing outta school...who knows? Im really not stressin it cuz I really dont give a flying phuck about school anymore, I mean having a BA is just like having a high school diploma-it aint gon get u shit in the real world but a ~~couple extra~~ dollars and I do mean a couple as in 2....so Im done stressin about school and life and Im just living from one drink to the next.

2007-03-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

Good Lord Im exhausted! I really wanna go home and crash but I know if I do I wont be going to the club forreal....but I may need to nap it up first.

Im supposed to hang out with J before I go, I wanna get fukked up royally and then roll out to the club....but I do have class tomorrow at 8:30...hopefully I make it there.

Im beginning to wonder about certain people in my life....Im thinking that maybe its time for me to start making some cuts in life.....

Well i have nothing to do Im bout to go walk around or something since I really dont wanna do hw....I need to hook up with sam so she can tutor me (or do all the work) in my c++ programming class!

I miss him....but i dont give a fuck about him=backwards me

New Lease on life

2007-03-22T11:55:00.000-05:00

Well let me think....

shit went downhill.

a friend from outta town put alotta shit into perspective for me.....i was really tryna be something im not (loving, caring, etc.) instead of playing the game that God sent me here to play. I was going against nature and therefore everything suffered but now Im back and Im golden, ready to roll!!!

ooooooo

2007-03-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

What i want and what Virginia wants is totally different but I always succumb to her.....

I just lay back and pretend to enjoy the ride and maybe we will disappear....

I hope to be held after, but if not Im still fine and she is even better....

I am dying inside and she is killing me.

disappearing

2007-03-06T11:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I want to become anonymous, I dont want to be known to anyone that way I can come and go as I please. I get so tired of people calling me that I dont particularly want to see. The irony in my life has always been that the people that I want to spend time with are the ones that dont want to spend it with me...so in essence I guess I annoy them like others annoy me...which brings me back to becoming anonymous if I didnt know anyone then I wouldnt miss anyone and need to be around anyone. Im strange and disconnected. Im reclusive and alone but by choice. When I go home everyday I sit in my room-alone. Watching my TV-alone. Not wanting to be bothered. I work on my living will (power point) and do homework but I rather be alone.

And I am content.

I dont get angry anymore....I simply dont care....

^{::cute guy just walked in::}

I like my time ~~alone~~, I guess because I cannot find someone to chill with and just genuinely enjoy being around without them being out for self....I guess Im just tired. Im 22 years old and Im tired. Sometimes I feel like Im tired of living and I havent even had that hard of a life--I mean, I havent be held at gunpoint intentionally, I havent been jumped by a bunch of people, I havent been so broke that I had to steal (yet) I still have a roof over my head, I have decent friends and funny associates, I may not always have food in my belly or money in my pocket, I may not have time to study or clean my room but I do manage to get by. I struggle sure, but I am also very blessed. But I still cant for the life of me figure out why if I knew that if I were to be at a certain place tomorrow I would die I would still go. I dont know why I feel so void and empty-like I just dont care.

~~I am null.~~

Im just done with trying to fight. The fighter in me is tired and the side of me that wants to give up is taking control but for some odd reason the fighter, although weak, still fights in me, but the fighter gets tired because she does not know what she is fighting for. We do not know what we are walking towards.

_{::cute guy just left::}

We struggle with each other for dominance....one just wants to survive, one just wants to rest and one just wants to have fun....I am torn without a doubt but I cannot decide which direction will be best for us as a whole me. Only time will tell, but in the meantime Im lost without a guide in my own solitude.

hmmmm

2007-03-03T15:19:00.000-05:00

Im starting to get the hang of this bad boy.....it kinda reminds me of tagworld....more pics to come!

my first post

2007-03-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

Awww im a newbie here but im just tryna find some new blog spots for my _life cuz right now i have a huge concentration on myspace ^and therefore ~~i think~~ its time for me to extend my wings!